Growing up I had a clear definition of what I thought a leader was: a person who is confident, decisive, unshakeable. The person who makes the tough calls, never gives up their position. And coming into my own as a woman leader, I felt I had to be even stronger than what my perception was growing up. I could never be seen as weak, never back down. Don’t let’em see you cry—kind of an old school mentality.
But I’m not going to bury the lead here: I’ve obviously changed my view and position on leadership and particularly female leadership.
It was a lesson I had to learn many times over, requiring a number of experiences to change my mindset and change my practice. It was a blind spot that for years kept me fighting instead of winning.
The art of negotiation
One of those impactful experiences happened several years ago during a multiweek executive development program at The Wharton School—a completely immersive experience. You’re away from your family for weeks, and you’re all in with your classmates.
For part of the day, you go into a classroom setting with other leaders and the faculty, and the rest of the day is dedicated to competing in a simulated business concept, where you are creating, building and developing successful public companies. You choose the product, the marketing plan and everything else related to the business, and for those two weeks, you compete against your peers to determine who created the most successful, profitable public company.
On the very first day in the very first exercise, I was put on my heels. I thought the exercise was pretty simple. It was a negotiation.
There were four people in a group, and we were all given pieces of paper that told us our goal for the negotiation—a unique set of instructions for each person. We were told what we needed to get out of the negotiation, what was critical and why it was critical to our respective companies. We were also given a list of things that we could not share, things that were top secret for our companies. Our task was to secure these designated things for our respective companies; that was the win. We had to get it for our company at all costs.
I was the only female in the group. I was with strong, high-level position male leaders, and I walked into the negotiation and looked at all of them as my competitors.
Looking back on it now, I realize I put up my armor and went to war. I was determined to win. I was unrelenting. I remember being snarky and kind of cocky, and at the end of the exercise, no one in my group achieved their intended goal. We returned to the classroom, and the instructor asked, “So who had a group where everyone successfully left with their goal?”
There was one group in which everyone raised their hand. I couldn’t believe it. I thought I must have misunderstood the mission. How could everyone have walked away from the negotiation with what they went in to get, all in the same group? It didn’t make sense to me.
Here are the things we didn’t know when we went into the room for negotiation: The negotiation was for the sale and purchase of rare eggs. Each person in the group was assigned a different need. One person needed to sell the rare eggs. One person needed to purchase the shells, one person needed to purchase the yolks and one person needed to purchase the whites. If we had known that ahead of time, the negotiation would’ve been easy, but nobody thought to ask that in my group. We weren’t allowed to tell anybody in the room or in our negotiation what we needed, but the goal was to get what we came for at all costs.
Lead with empathy and curiosity
Think about how everybody can win in this situation: One person wants to sell all of the eggs. If we’d had a conversation out of a place of curiosity, we could have figured out what everyone needed, and we all could have gotten what we wanted. “Do you need the yolk?” If the answer was “no,” then the people who wanted the yolk could have had the yolk. People who wanted the white could have had the white, and so on.
If I and my group members had gone into the negotiation with empathy, in curiosity, and asked questions instead of strong-arming and being sneaky, we could have succeeded. That night I went back to my room and called my husband sobbing. I was inconsolable, which is not like me at all. It takes a lot for me to be in that overwhelmed emotional state.
Worried, he asked what was going on, and I told him that I learned a painful lesson about my blind spots as a leader and my insecurities, which had probably prevented me from progressing and achieving many times in my leadership career. I had never leaned into skills like empathy and vulnerability, and in fact, I saw them as weaknesses. It was a huge wake-up call.
To be transparent, this was the first of many times I learned this life lesson, but it has been reinforced in various experiences throughout the years.
It’s important to know that, for most of us, our insecurities have been driving us all along the way and in the wrong way. The truth is even the most accomplished leaders have moments of insecurity. It manifests in different ways, like doubt, fear of making the wrong decision or caring too much about the perception of others.
While it’s natural to have these feelings, what’s really important is how you handle them. Insecurity and leadership can be a double-edged sword, right? On one hand, it can keep us grounded, making us aware of our limitations and pushing us even in some cases to improve. But on the other hand, if left unchecked, insecurity can lead to some serious blind spots. These can be areas in our leadership that we’re not fully aware of, like things we overlook or ignore because we’re too focused on protecting our egos or avoiding discomfort.
Don’t underestimate the power of self-assessment for growth
Self-assessment is one of the most important exercises we can do as leaders to recognize our insecurities, blind spots and opportunities for growth. I take time every night to assess how I can improve.
- What went well in my day?
- What didn’t go well?
- What can be improved? Not by people, but by processes and systems or self-development—looking internally.
Then I let it go. It’s really important that this is not an opportunity to beat yourself up or sit and marinate in it for too long. It’s about acknowledgement, personal growth and moving on.
Today I’m an entirely different leader focused on servant leadership, transformational leadership and the styles encompassed in those. I lean into transparency, vulnerability and authenticity, and I’d love to help you do the same.
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This essay is adapted from a podcast episode of Unscripted with Amy Somerville. Listen to the full episode here.
Photo by PeopleImages.com – Yuri A/Shutterstock
