On February 3, 2014, still drunk from the night before, I woke up, rolled over and chugged my last drink of vodka. I later landed in a detox facility where I was medically weaned off of alcohol and left to sit with the destruction I had caused. Guilt, shame and self-hatred consumed me. I called my kids to tell them that I messed up again. I said I was sorry, but my words were empty and this time, even I knew it.
I was so sick of myself and of constantly hurting and lying to others. I finally realized that I was lying to myself, too. My thoughts changed from I can have just a few drinks to I don’t have this under control and never will. This shift reflects what Alcoholics Anonymous calls acceptance, and to me, it was the first of many gifts that got and kept me sober.
Today, I am an alcoholic in recovery—the result of a transformation from the inside out. It is the result of habits—things I do every day to make sure I stay sober. This means being healthy and positive, humble and grateful, accountable and compassionate, loving and forgiving. These are things everyone can strive to be, regardless of whether they commit to being alcohol-free. Here are some of the habits I practice to maintain my sobriety.
Start the day with intention
Sobriety has taught me to have control over my thoughts. Negative thoughts quickly spiral into more negativity, dread, and often, an overall bad day. When I wake up and think, Ugh, long day ahead, why is my life so hard? my associated actions are negative and I am incapable of being my best self.
My sponsor taught me to hold myself accountable for my first thought each morning. Now I grab my phone when I first wake up and read a passage from a daily devotional or meditation book. I then make a gratitude list (sometimes written, sometimes in the privacy of my own mind) and realize that my health, sobriety and the day itself are blessings, which further leads me to say a prayer of thanks. I do this all before getting out of bed, and my mind is set right.
Think less of self
Humility is one of the twelve principles of AA and it is not something that comes easily to me— at all. As an alcoholic, it feels like my default mode is me me me. “It’s not always about you,” my sponsor would say.
I remember one day I walked by a small pile of garbage on the floor and thought about picking it up. “That isn’t my garbage,” I thought to myself and kept walking. Within a few steps, though, I heard the voice of AA. “Be humble,” the voice said, and with a small sigh, I turned around, picked up the garbage and threw it into the trash. I could do the right thing even if nothing was in it for me. I have been trying to practice this habit ever since.
Think more of others
In early sobriety, I would spend hours beating myself up, worrying what other people thought of me or obsessing over life being unfair. Wasting so much time and energy on me was exhausting! My sponsor encouraged me to help others; she suggested I ask God to “give me someone to help,” promising that if I helped another alcoholic it would help me to grow in self-love, humility and gratitude.
And so, I hesitantly asked God to send me someone to help—and that he did. I started sponsoring other women in AA and, wouldn’t you know it, self-pity slipped away and gratitude and fulfillment took their place. Today, I try to say yes whenever anyone asks me for help, and somehow, it makes my problems diminish or disappear altogether— and provides a greater sense of purpose.
End the day with a moral reflection
Step ten of AA instructs me to “take a moral inventory and when I am wrong, promptly admit it.” This has become a part of my nightly routine. Before falling asleep, I think over the day and ask myself where I went wrong. Did I lose my patience with anyone? Did I lie, steal or cheat in any way? Was I overly greedy or manipulative? If the answer is yes to any of these questions, I admit it and ask for forgiveness.
This is hard for me to do. I hate saying “I am sorry.” Doing so, however, holds me accountable for my past actions and motivates me to do better in the future. I don’t want to be that person who says “I am sorry” over and over again for the same thing—as I once did. These days, when I say I am sorry, I do everything I can to avoid repeating the same mistakes.
To think I have been doing these things one day at a time for over 4,000 days is incredible. It feels like both yesterday and a lifetime ago that I would wake up, roll over and chug vodka to keep the shakes at bay, but as weird as it sounds, I wouldn’t change a thing. My alcoholism ultimately led me to a better life and for that, I am eternally grateful.
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