If you consider yourself an empath or know you have a tendency to please people, you might recognize yourself in this situation:
Your friend has told you they’re hurt by something you said the other night. But perhaps instead of reacting in kind, it feels like a tidal wave has washed over you. You feel their hurt and sadness.
Consequently, maybe you don’t know quite what to say. The pangs in your stomach, the heaviness—it feels all-consuming. And it’s emotionally draining (hey, maybe you feel this when it’s not even about you, too!).
So, what’s going on?
Alright, first, let’s pause and take a deep breath.
Now, here comes the hard part: It’s more than likely, in these types of situations, you’re internalizing someone else’s feelings. And you’re likely letting moments of connection pass you by because of it.
- So, how can you stop doing this?
- You know all you want to do is help, so how can you do that?
Well, you’re in the right place. Let’s discover how you can overcome this internalization and not take on other people’s problems (even when you really care about them!).
How Do You Not Internalize Other People’s Feelings?
Not internalizing other people’s feelings is an important skill, especially for maintaining emotional boundaries and protecting your mental well-being. And it has nothing to do with not caring (as much as you might automatically think so).
More so, it’s all about knowing your boundaries and responsibilities. And in no state or form do our responsibilities involve feeling the same way as others.
Yet, if you’re a highly sensitive person, you may have a tendency to take on others’ feelings or “absorb” them.
But like self-help author Dr. Henry Cloud says, “Our feelings are our responsibility; others’ feelings are their responsibility.”
Knowing this can help you connect better with others without taking on someone else’s problems. But how do you do that? Well, like we said, knowing your boundaries is a good place to start.
Here are a few tips for doing that:
- Say “no” when you need to.
- Let others “own” their emotions; you don’t need to. (Sure, we should apologize when our actions unintentionally hurt someone, but we don’t need to also feel hurt and sad about it.)
- Understand when you need to recharge and avoid excess social interactions (when needed).
- Set a time limit on visits (They don’t necessarily need to know, but this can help give you permission to leave a situation or event as needed).
- Don’t engage with sensitive topics that you know lead to an emotional reaction from you.
- Use empathy correctly (More on this below).
- Try to understand why you feel the way you feel. (Example: “I feel sad because they feel hurt by me, and I wouldn’t want to hurt them.”) Identifying your own feelings can help you learn when they are appropriate or not.
Related Article: Are You a Highly Sensitive Person? 8 Valuable Tips to Help You Live as an HSP
How Do You Help Someone Without Taking on Their Problems?
Okay, so you’ve realized you might be absorbing or internalizing someone else’s feelings. How can you stop it and help them instead?
1. Recognize and Understand Empathy
Empathy is the ability to understand and share the feelings of others. While it’s a valuable trait, it’s crucial to differentiate between empathy and taking on someone else’s emotional burden. Recognize when you’re empathizing and when you’re internalizing.
Alright, so how do you do that?
Well, this usually comes down to understanding yourself and your own emotional reactions (and, again boundaries!). You can understand how someone feels, but you don’t necessarily have to jump in and swim in them, too.
A good way to do this is to pause before you react. Or if you notice certain feelings come up, reflect for a moment, then attend to the other person’s needs. Try to understand what would help them the most in this moment.
- How can you be there for them?
- What do they need right now?
Related Article: Anxious Attachment in Relationships: How to Manage, Expert Tips & Strategies
2. Offer Guidance or Support, Not Solutions
Rather than trying to fix their problems, guide them to find their own solutions. This empowers them and avoids the burden of responsibility falling on you.
Or merely offer support all on its own. Validate them; let them know you understand and are there if they need to vent. But, again, this doesn’t mean you need to take on their emotional burden.
Rather, you’re offering a safe place for them to lean their head or thoughts when they need it, which, we all know, we definitely long for during tough times.
3. Use Positive Reinforcement
Encourage them by acknowledging their efforts to solve their problems and by validating once again (This basically means acknowledging their feelings, whether you agree or not).
Positive reinforcement can be more empowering than taking on their problems. It can also potentially help guide them toward positive feelings regarding the situation.
But a word of caution here: Don’t be pushy!
Sometimes, people really do want (and need) to vent. That’s okay, too. But know your boundaries and know what you can handle versus what you can not. Hint: Your own personal development and growth go a long way here!
4. Communicate Openly
If you feel overwhelmed, communicate this to the person you’re helping.
It’s important for them to understand your boundaries. And ensure you don’t begin to “make it all about you.” Instead, simply state, “I feel overwhelmed and need a moment” (or state what you need to do), then try to help them.
Nothing comes from shutting down. If you struggle with this, that’s okay too (Welcome to the club!). The good news is that with some awareness and pause, you can learn how to communicate openly the right way.
And bring some self-compassion into the mix here; none of us are perfect. Mistakes happen, and that’s okay!
5. Avoid “Coming to the Rescue”
When someone we care about is in distress, it’s easy to want to solve the problem and their feelings all in one go. Of course, none of us want a loved one to feel sad/angry/hurt/etc.
Yet, “rescuing” can lead to dependency and doesn’t help them in the long term. We all have to figure things out for ourselves and make our own mistakes. Allow them the space and independence to do this while letting them know you’re there for them.
6. When All Else Fails, Just Listen
Allow them to let it out and sort out their thoughts as they talk aloud about what’s going on.
Nod along, validate them, and acknowledge them along the way. Active listening can go a long way in providing support. After all, sometimes that’s all we really need.
Navigating the “Helper” Role
Mastering the art of empathy while protecting your own emotional well-being is a delicate but essential balance.
It requires:
- self-awareness
- mindful listening
- the ability to distinguish between empathizing and internalizing others’ emotions
The truth is you can offer meaningful support to others without compromising your own emotional health.
So, try to keep all of the above in mind next time you’re faced with this type of situation. It may take some practice, but with time, you’ll get better at it, and you’ll notice your relationships with others improve too (and so does your own state of mind!).
Read Next: Active Listening: What Is It & 7 Techniques to Improve Your Skills
Editor’s note: This article was originally published Jan 17, 2024 and has been updated to improve reader experience.
